I don’t cry a lot.

I’m not sure why. It just doesn’t happen that often. Don’t get me wrong – I get upset when I hear sad stories, or when bad things happen to good people. But most of the time I just get quiet and pensive rather than let the tears fall. I retreat inward.

But the other night was different. I felt like emotions had been building for days, and I wasn’t quite sure how to articulate them, nor was I sure how to give them the space they needed to develop and be felt.

And so, not knowing where to go or how to be seen, my emotions apparently decided to come out through my eyeballs.

Yes, I cried. I cried a lot.

It seemed to come out of nowhere (or at least that is what my rational mind would have you believe). I’m usually calm. Cool. Collected. Put together. I don’t cry in public. And if I’m going to, I excuse myself before anyone can see it happen.

I think my husband has only seen me cry twice. Ok, maybe three times. And we’ve been together for 5 years. That’s ridiculous.

It sounds cold hearted, I know. And sometimes, it feels cold hearted too! People could be pouring their hearts out to me about the most terrible things, and though I totally feel for them, I get no tears. And not for lack of trying! Sometimes it’s just downright embarrassing. There are times when I really should cry, and I just don’t. I can’t. The well is as dry as the emotions are raw.

But the other night, the well apparently sprung a leak. I was in the middle of cooking dinner, and my head starting spinning about various things I won’t get into now (life). Before I knew it, my husband was home, and before he could get in so much as a, “hello,” I was spilling my guts out, chopping onions, sauteing kale, and waiving my chefs knife around as I cried about what was going on for me.

I was Emotional with a capital E. There was no consoling me.

I blame the onions.

My husband was amazing about the whole situation. He spoke to me calmly, and helped me get to the bottom of my conundrum, but also encouraged me to surrender to my emotions, which – of course – made me cry even more.

He’s a wonderful husband – and person in general. But normally he’s the cryer! He mostly cries about happy things (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come home to see him crying over some athlete winning against all odds, or something related to the underdog winning a sports race). But sometimes he cries about sad things too. He’s certainly more in touch with his tear ducts than I am!

So he was definitely enjoying himself as I cried my heart out. In fact, later he told me it was downright sexy.

That’s just how amazing he is! Because for someone to look at a blubbering grown woman with red puffy eyes and a snotty nose and to call them sexy is just incredible! Or maybe he needed to clean his contact lenses and trim his overhanging eyebrows. They were likely obstructing his vision.

Or better still: maybe I just need to shut up and see the beauty in vulnerability…in myself, because I certainly think it’s important in others. Hm…

After being thoroughly beaten down by my tears (or rather, my emotions), I stayed up later than usual, and went to bed hoping to wake up feeling better in the morning.

I sort of did. But I felt more foggy than anything else.

I went into work and told my friend what happened the previous night. A fellow non-frequent cryer with a degree in public health from Harvard (she’s a smarty pants), she told me a fun fact:

Did you know that our tears actually hold stress hormones in them? That means that when we cry, we are quite literally removing the stress from our bodies!

I believed her, but being a former Nancy Drew addict and MacGyver wannabe, I wanted to investigate further.

I found out that there are actually 3 kinds of tears:

1. Reflex
2. Continuous
3. Emotional

Reflex tears are the ones that come up when you’re cutting an onion, breathing in smoke, or have something in your eye. They effectively help to lubricate the eye to protect it from the intruding object or smell, and to release it from your eye.

Continuous tears are produced regularly to lubricate the eye. Can you imagine trying to blink without a lubricated eye? It would be like sand paper! Aside from keeping our blinking habit on track, these types of tears also function as an antibacterial agent to help protect us from infection (though when you’re surrounded by a bunch of kids with pink eye, these continuous tears won’t save you – there’s only so much they can handle! Wash your hands and don’t touch your eyes, gosh darnit!).

Emotional tears, on the other hand, apparently act in a completely different way. According to biochemist Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis, emotional tears contain stress hormones. So when you cry these emotional tears, you are quite literally reducing the stress in your body, because those tears contain not only stress hormones, but also other toxins that accumulate during stress!

And when you don’t cry out these kinds of tears, the stress stays in your body and manifests itself somewhere else entirely. Maybe your tight shoulders? The knot in your stomach? The force with which you lash out at your partner or friend when they do the littlest thing that doesn’t merit such a response? That extra 10 pounds you just can’t seem to lose?

It’s all connected!

As the universe always seems to rise to meet me where I am, my morning meditation the following day happened to be about emotions.

(Seriously?)

The centering thought for the day was:

My emotions are my most intimate ally.

(I swear I’m not making this stuff up).

Oprah’s soothing voice went on to explain that emotions are a gift from the deepest part of our consciousness. And when they come up, all we need to do is to pause and ask:

“Why do I feel this way?”

Seems logical to me!

Deepak Chopra went on to explain that through self awareness, emotions can be our greatest guide. And though reasoning can help evaluate a situation, it’s really with our emotions that we begin to see most clearly.

Think about it: when you’re excited about something, the feeling in the pit of your stomach will tell you. And if something doesn’t feel right, again, your “gut feeling” will tell you that too.

Besides, our minds are full of chatter of all kinds, so when it comes to choosing a path, or deciding how to act, our emotions are often much more reliable. The key is not to ignore them.

That is not to say that you should cry more often if you don’t already (though based on the science behind it, it would probably be a good idea). Instead (or in addition to it), we should be using our emotions as a guide to help us make choices throughout our lives.

We need to make our emotions our allies. As Deepak says, they are our constant companions and advisers, always ready and willing to teach us what we need to know about ourselves.

But how do we make emotions our allies?

When an emotion comes up, rather than push it aside, we need to ask ourselves these 2 questions:

 

1. How do I feel?
2. Why do I feel this way?

 

According to Deepak, when you check into your emotions, you allow them to be expressed and to move. Because emotions are meant to move! When you push them down, deny or stifle them, they get stuck.

So if you feel your emotions are causing discomfort during the day, do what you can do return to a state of comfort. You can do this by excusing yourself and retreating to a quiet place (this can even be the bathroom stall if you work in an office). Take some deep breaths, sit quietly, and ask the 2 questions.

Then turn to your emotional self and say:

“We can manage this and feel better! At the first opportunity, I promise to take care of what’s wrong.”

A huge part of me was afraid to write this post today. Because somehow, admitting that I was emotional was like pouring my heart out to the world, telling you that I’m not in control, that I can’t be trusted, that I’m just a crazy person!

Well, the truth is, I’m never in control, and I need to let go of any illusion that I have about that. I may think I am (and you might too), but the reality is that for every situation or experience to come to fruition, certain conditions need to arise in order for any of my hard work and intentions in that direction to pay off: a chance meeting with the right person, being in the right place at the right time, choosing path A over path B, etc.

And when things aren’t going the way I had hoped, I can try to be stoic in the face of adversity, or I can just surrender, trust that the universe needs me to see something, and let my emotions guide me from there. Because on the other side of my cry fest the other night was clarity. Clarity of purpose. Clarity of direction. And peace in my restless heart.

So I ask you this:

What are you holding onto? What are you not allowing yourself to surrender to? What illusions of control over the universe are keeping you from seeing what you need to see?

Figure it out, cry a little (or a lot), release those stress hormones, check in with your emotions, and let them be your guide.

Because there is beauty in breakdown. And from the ashes you will rise.

I promise.

Love, love, love,
Lauren
xxx