“The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything.”
                              – Warren Buffet

Wait….what?

I want to be a very successful person. I really do. And in a lot of ways, I think I am.

But to hear the great Warren Buffet tell me, a.k.a miss over-achiever, that I have to say no to almost everything in order to be very successful leads me to believe that there is room for growth. Like….a lot of growth.

You see, I have a lot of trouble saying no to things. I am a “yes” girl, eager to please, but also, eager to take on new challenges, to learn, to grow, to gain experience, to break through to new levels, and in a lot of cases, just to make people smile (that usually involves me baking a cake of some kind).

Lately, this incessant eagerness appears to be taking a not-so-awesome toll on my life, wreaking havoc on my mind and driving me to the point of near insanity (and serious cookie eating, I might add).

The problem with being a “yes” person is that I overload my to-do list every day, knowing full well that there is no way I could possibly get everything on the list done before the day is through. As a result, when I go to bed at night, I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything, even though I’ve been running around all day.

I wake up feeling anxious instead of happy, not knowing what to do first. I usually start with brushing my teeth. That much I can handle.

Feeling this anxious is a terrible feeling, and since we are in complete control of our reactions, I realize it’s completely self inflicted. And therefore, completely unnecessary.

I’ve written about this before, but I’m not following my own advice: I’m rushing through my life. And it has to stop.

Knowing this, yesterday I decided to take advantage of Oprah and Deepak Chopra’s latest round of their free 21 day meditation workshop that they host a few times a year.

Naturally, I stressed about the 20 minutes I was about to commit to this meditation (gasp – that’s 20 minutes worth of checking my e-mails that I will never get back), but I did it anyway.

The focus of the meditation that day was about finding your security and peace within. And man oh man, did I need to find it.

I’ve been aware of this anxious feeling for some time, but I felt like a spectator in my own life, watching the train wreck but feeling powerless to stop it, thinking I knew what the problem was and even knowing what the solution was, but not having the right tools to implement it.

Thankfully, near the end of yesterday’s meditation I had an epiphany:

Tony Robbins talks about purpose in a program he does called Get the Edge. He says, and I agree, that life is a game. It’s about being and doing. And as human beings, what we contribute to the world is our purpose, and it is what gives us a sense of growth and fulfillment.

So, if life is a game, and you have no purpose, how can you ever win the game of life?

According to Tony, there are 7 reasons why people never win the game of life:

1. They don’t know the purpose of the game (and they end up living someone else’s life).

2. They have tons of rules about how it should be played but they don’t even know the goal or the purpose of the game! They also have rules for how other people should be.

3. Their rules are in conflict: they contradict themselves from one situation to the next.

4. Even when they play by their rules, they don’t always win.

5. Sometimes they break the rules and they win, which creates confusion, because when you do something that’s against your own values and you get pleasure, it’s confusing.

6. Because in order to win, you have to work with 5 ½ billion other people who have the same wrong rules and we have to learn from each other.

7. They think it’s a life and death game which puts too much pressure on themselves and causes them to live in fear instead of living life.

I’m pretty clear on my purpose in life, which is to have a positive impact on the world around me, and to inspire others to live their best lives by not only being a coach and a shoulder to lean on, but also, by being an example.

But I realized yesterday that the rules for my life, specifically in regards to my career, are set up so that I fail almost every time. I am playing by my own rules, to be sure, but I don’t always win.

Well, that kind of sucks, doesn’t it?!

Specifically, there is only one rule in question that is messing with my life:

I have a rule that I have to earn the right to rest at the end of each day, and the end of each week. And the only way to earn that rest is to complete all of the tasks that I have given myself to do. Not some – all.

And I’m failing. Miserably.

Why?

Because I haven’t been realistic with my time. I’m putting easily 80% more on my to do lists each day and each week than I possibly have hours enough to complete them in, much less to complete them well. Plus, I’m not even including time for things like grocery shopping, cooking, doing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning the house, and other things that inevitably take up time and space in my days. As a result, when I’m doing these activities, rather than enjoy them (yes, I think doing dishes can be quite enjoyable if you allow it to be), all I can think about is how I really should be doing x,y, or z.

And so I get irritated. I get angry. My hands shake. My heart beats faster than it should. I feel like I’m failing. I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious, and the cycle never ends.

Obviously, this is not good. And it’s incredibly hard for me to admit to you. But if my confession can help even one of you out there reading this who is experiencing my personal struggle to any degree, then my vulnerability will have been worth it.

The great news is that while I’ve been aware of it for some time, now I finally have an understanding of why I have been feeling this way, and how I can begin to fix it.

If you find yourself in the same boat, feeling like there are more tasks to do then there are hours in the day to complete them, here are some things you can do to take hold and reclaim your mental stability:

1. Get real with your expectations of yourself. You cannot do it all, so stop trying. Get real. Don’t add more to your plate than you can realistically handle. Think about working smarter, not harder.

2. Change your life rules so that they work for you, not against you. Take a look at your life and notice the times when you feel stressed, unfulfilled or unhappy. Ask yourself why you feel this way, and what rule or expectation you have for yourself could potentially be behind your negative feeling. Now, change it. Our life is nothing but a collection of stories we tell ourselves. So choose stories that work for you.

3. Learn how to say no, even if you really want to do something. There is a lot of strength and character that comes with knowing when to say no. Opportunities will come and go, and you cannot possibly say yes to all of them, no matter what. That said, if an opportunity comes up that you really (like really, really) want to take, look at your schedule and see if you can stop doing something else in order to make room for this new opportunity. Either way, be selective with your yeses. And then give it your all.

4. Under commit rather than over commit. This is similar to saying no, but it goes a step further. By under committing, you are leaving breathing room in your life, space for the unknown, the unexpected moments of chaos, and also, moments of peace that you wouldn’t have had otherwise had you been over committed.

5. Be realistic about your time. When I put stuff down on a to do list for the day, I block out the hours very specifically. For example:

6am-6:30am – workout
6:30am-7am – shower and breakfast
7am-8am – check e-mails
8am-12pm – work on blog post

You get the point. But sometimes, I don’t allow myself enough time for a given task, like groceries. I may block out only 1 hour for groceries, but realistically, from start to finish, they will take me anywhere from 2-3 hours. Make sure to block out enough time for things on your list, even if you think that number is outrageously large. That way, you won’t add on too much to your list in any given day, because you simply cannot create more than 24 hours in a day.

6. Schedule things by the hour, like the example above. I know it sounds incredibly detailed, but if you have a lot going on, this is a great way to be strategic with your list. It allows you to add up all the hours that you’ve written out for your tasks. So before you even begin, you can tell if you are set up for success or not and make adjustments if you need to.

7. Be more strategic with your to do list. I always pile too many things into one day. This is bad for focus, and bad for feeling fulfilled. Instead, start by blocking out your week, making a list of the tasks and projects you have to complete that week. Then, plug them into your daily to-do lists. You don’t have to work on every thing every day. Maybe Monday and Wednesday you will spend 4 hours on a given project, and Tuesday and Thursday you will do the same for another. Bigger chunks of time allow for better focus. Also remember to schedule in laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, house work, time with friends, workouts, etc. If you don’t, you’re going to do it anyway, and your to-do list will be moot.

8. Take charge of your inbox and other electronic intrusions. Let’s face it, in this overstimulated world we live in, with our phones pinging us constantly with new e-mails, tweets, texts, etc. it’s hard to get any focused work in. I personally get bombarded all day and my problem is that I think I need to respond right away. I’m afraid that if I don’t, I will miss something. But this intrusion is terrible for workflow. So instead of getting distracted every few minutes by your electronics, block out specific times during the days that you will check your e-mails, messages, and social media accounts. Maybe for the 1st hour of the morning, and an hour before dinner. Whatever works. Also, turn off your e-mails when you are working on a project so as not to get distracted.

9. Pay attention: Take notes on how your days flow. Does it take you 4 hours to do groceries, start to finish? Does it take you 4 hours to do laundry? Pay attention to how long it takes you to complete things so that you can write down a realistic amount of time to complete your tasks. This will help to leave you feeling fulfilled at the end of each day because you can check everything off your list.

 10. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I know we live in a world that demands that we be super everything, but don’t fall for this fallacy. Do what you can, and by gosh, if you don’t complete a few things on your list, don’t be like me and beat yourself up about it. Change your rules, change your outlook, readjust, and do it tomorrow.

Now please excuse me while I go take a sip (or drink an entire gallon) of my own medicine.

Your nearly crazy friend,
Lauren
xoxo