How did you spend Valentine’s Day? Were you crying over a tub of ice cream? Giving couples the finger? Or were you sharing some pasta with your loved one, Lady and the Tramp styles?

However you spent it, with the (dreaded for some) holiday behind us, I thought it would be appropriate to touch on the topic of what makes a happy and healthy relationship.

We have created an interesting commentary on relationships by touting one specific day, February 14th, as the day of love, the day when – if you’re in a relationship – you must pay double for flowers (because roses are the only acceptable flower on this day, of course), you must get chocolates (Godiva only, please), you must get a dinner reservation at the best restaurant in town (ahem…Nobu!), and you must get some kind of jewelry or gift to further mark the occasion (diamonds are encouraged, thanks). If you’re single, you’re practically forced to stay inside your home like an outsider, for if you go out into the sea of couples, you may not come back unscathed!

Interestingly, Valentine’s Day has become a billion dollar day. Seriously. In 2013, Americans alone spent $20 billion on the aforementioned Valentine’s Day spoils, and that doesn’t even include those crazy Canucks over the border (of which I happen to be one). With so much money spent, ironically, this “day of love” misses the point entirely on what makes a relationship happy and healthy. In fact, it may even contribute to its demise.

While there are many ways to keep a relationship happy and healthy (small gestures of kindness, date nights, good communication, respect, honesty, devotion, remembering to put the toilet seat down so your wife doesn’t fall into the toilet in the middle of the night, etc.), there is one practice in particular that – though sensitive – does wonders for a relationship:

Space.

The last time Ted (my husband) left town for 2 weeks, I came home after dropping him off at the airport, sat down on the couch, and noticed something:

Silence.

Of course, there is always silence in the house when Ted is out for the day, but when he goes on a long trip, the silence holds a different tone.

It’s like the house knows he’s going to be gone for a while. And so, it gets quiet. Heck, maybe it even mourns for his presence. I don’t know.

Because if you know my husband, you know that he really and truly is larger than life. His smile lights up a room (though his farts tend to clear them). When he enters a room, eyebrows first, of course (there’s no helping that), he chuckles his sweet chuckle and immediately puts everyone at ease. Those who don’t already know him suddenly find themselves being pulled by some unknown force over to meet him.

In the absence of Ted in our house, there is the space between. The space between Ted. The space between our marriage. It’s as peaceful as it is sad. But not bad sad.

You see, one of the biggest pieces of advice I could give anyone in a relationship is to realize the importance of spending time apart. Not too much time. But some time. And not all of the time. Just some of the time. Not because you don’t love them, but actually, because you do. And you want your relationship to be healthy forever.

Growth comes in all forms, but it also comes in the spaces between. The silence between the noise of your precious relationship.

If you think of how your body rejuvenates itself when it goes to sleep at night, such does a relationship when the two leading roles are separated for a while. It creates space for rejuvenation, and in some cases (depending on how long it has been since you were last apart), revival.

When you get married, you are no longer just you. You are we. You are us. Sure, you can make plans like you used to when you were single, but there is automatically another factor in the decision, “Yes, I can do that, but I have to check with my husband/wife first to make sure we don’t have plans that night/week.” Because in a respectful marriage, you check with your partner before you make plans. You just do. You don’t invite the girls over for girls night as you used to when you were single and kick your husband out of the house without his consent. You just don’t do that.

And sometimes, because you’re not technically “free” to make those small decisions without first consulting your partner, though it’s the respectful thing to do, it can start to create tiny smudges in the marriage. Tiny imprints that – if built up too much over time – can cause major cracks and crevices.

Are you grateful to have someone to check in with in the first place? Of course you are! You’ve been waiting for this person all of your life! But sometimes, being so close to each other, we start to lose the closeness with ourselves. We start to lose the connection with ourselves. When that happens, problems start to show up in your relationship because your compass is all out of whack. And sometimes, the only way to get it back on track and find your way back to yourself is to spend some time away from your partner, if only for a few days.

And trust me, if you married the right person, they will understand the importance of spending time apart from time to time. And they will need/want it too!

Being together all of the time can cause some, and likely most (though certainly not all) people to take each other for granted, and at times, to get on each others’ nerves.

Take my husband, for example. When he’s gone, I think about the way he kisses me on the forehead before he leaves, even if he’s in a rush. The way he kisses me in the same spot when he comes home after a long day at work. The way he goofily talks to himself in the mirror while he’s trimming his eyebrows. The way he walks around in his funny cycling outfits while getting ready for a long ride. The way he gets excited about football (and claps so loud it scares the you-know-what out of me), cries while watching the Olympics (or any sport where any of the sportsmen/women show any bit of emotion), and doesn’t ever mind if we change the channel to something we both want to watch.

Do I appreciate those things? Of course. But I’ve noticed that I tend to appreciate them most after a little bit of time apart. And so, if I could give you one piece of advice as you head into marriage or a new relationship, it is this:

Give each other space to breathe. Give each other the space to continually be connected to yourselves, so that you can be free to express yourselves fully, openly, and honestly in the making of the beautiful tapestry that is your relationship. You owe it to each other. You owe it to yourselves.

As absence tends to make the heart grow fonder, being apart creates the space to miss each other. To miss the good, and even to miss the bad. You’ve probably noticed that when someone close to you passes away, you tend to recall the littlest things about them, good and bad, and you miss them terribly. In that vain, the practice of giving each other breathing room in a relationship creates the space for you to not take anything about your partner for granted. Because you shouldn’t. But you’re only human. We all become desensitized when we’re too close to something or someone for too long. It’s just how we’re wired. So rather fight our make up, let’s just work with it.

Now, to be clear, I’m not telling you to give your partner some space on Valentine’s Day – I’m not trying to start a war! But rather than buy into all the hoopla of one day of love, vow to celebrate your love all the days of the year, and vow to be open to doing it in different ways. Perhaps one day it’s kissing your loved one on the forehead and telling them you love them. Another, it’s doing the dishes or making dinner. And another, it’s going away for a weekend with the boys/ladies to give each other some much needed space.

Giving each other this space will help you make it to every Valentine’s Day, because your relationship will be strong. It will help you to redefine what Valentine’s Day means to you as a couple, and to avoid putting so much pressure on this one day. Because in your relationship, there are many Valentine’s Days throughout the year – hundreds of them, in fact. 365 of them. And if Valentine’s Day really and truly is a day to show love, then shouldn’t every day be Valentine’s Day?

Love, love, love,

Lauren
xxx