I love love.

And not just because of the way it looks at me, or because it’s the only one I see. And not even because it is so very very extra-ordinary, even more than anyone who I adore.

I love love because love doesn’t judge. It is universal. It transcends the barriers of space and time. No matter what language you speak, no matter the color or your skin, no matter even the content of your character, love remains pure. It is its own language, and shines brightly for all to experience, if only we open up our hearts and our arms to it. It’s always there, waiting to be felt.

And it comes in so many wonderful forms.

Love is giving up your seat on the bus for an older person who needs the seat more than you do.

Love is giving your last $5 to the homeless man outside of work, knowing that where you have a shelter to go home to, he does not, and $5 means much more to him than it does to you.

Love is bringing your friend chicken noodle soup when she is sick because she doesn’t have the strength to get dressed, pull the tissues out of her nose, get in the car, and be seen in public.

Love is visiting your family on a Sunday afternoon while eating cake and sipping on tea (or in the case of my family – martinis. Whatever works.).

Love is getting dressed up and going for high tea at a fancy hotel with your friends.

Love is kissing your wife on the forehead when you get home from work. (Thanks husband.)

Love is many things, none of which are boastful, nor angry, nor self seeking.

Sometimes, when it comes to romantic love, we can get caught up in the moment and forget what love is really all about. From this place, petty fights happen, and often times we end up saying things we regret, and fight about things we don’t even really care about.

My husband, Ted, and I have definitely been guilty of this, but we always manage to catch ourselves in time before we say or do anything that could negatively mark our relationship forever.

Here are 5 more relationship tips we have found that are helpful in keeping our heads screwed on straight, and our hearts in the right place:

Don’t respond defensively. Ugh. I have to admit, I have a tendency to do this. Ted will ask about something, and rather than answer the question point blank, there will be a hint of poison in my voice as I respond and defend. Cease and desist, people. Cease and desist! Not only is it not a good idea to bite your partner’s head off (it’s generally not great for communication for how can they speak without a head?), but it also makes the other person feel misunderstood and not heard. And it’s incredibly childish, petty and counterproductive. Remember: you’re on the same team. Act like it. Answer the question asked or address the remark made. Discuss with a level head from there.

Learn to pick your “battles.” I don’t like to use the word “battle” because it indicates something negative, but let’s be honest. No relationship is perfect! There are fights, or at the very least, minor (and sometimes major) disagreements. I think that’s healthy, as long as it’s done respectfully, and as long as the disagreements are not petty. Before you’re about to bring up something that you know could potentially lead to an argument, ask yourself, is this really worth it? If it’s something that you really truly can just let go, then just let it go. For the sake of your relationship, your energy, and your sanity. For example, Ted absolutely needs to work out 6 days a week. So if Sunday comes around and he’s only gotten 4 workouts in, and he says he’s going for a run, though I would prefer to spend the time with him, it’s not worth the argument. Granted, Sundays are our only full days to spend together. But it’s only 2 hours. I can just hang out with him when he gets back. No big deal. Besides: it wins me brownie points for being the coolest wife ever (like, ever). Annnd I get to do the secret work I actually wanted to get done that day anyway – guilt free. Plus, he’s in a much better mood and much more pleasant to be around after a workout. So everybody wins! And if you do decide to bring something up that’s important to you, just remember to be kind, put yourself in their shoes, and be respectful.

Don’t go to bed angry, or at least, don’t go to bed without saying I love you. Just don’t. Ted and I were fighting about something once (of course, I can’t, for the life of me, remember what it was) and I was still angry by the time I wanted to go to bed. Fists clenched, I went into the living room and said, “I just want you to know that I’m still upset with you, but I didn’t want to go to bed without telling you that I love you.” He laughed and said ok, which of course, totally diffused the situation. We were able to speak clearly about the issue the next morning, defenses down, because love was still the #1 priority, not who was right or wrong.

Ask plainly for what you want. Ok, seriously, people. This one really gets me. You are not a mind reader. Your spouse/significant other isn’t one either. If you were, you both would be shipped off to NASA (or some other cool research facility), hooked up to wires and machines, and studied. It can be argued that one of you may be more in touch with your intuition than the other, but that’s besides the point. Ask directly for what you want. Don’t expect them to guess. “You should know,” is a common sentence uttered in many relationships. Meanwhile, the poor person on the receiving end is scrambling to figure out what the heck you mean! Don’t beat around the bush. Here’s a thought: when you ask directly for what you want, you typically get it. No dancing around it, getting increasingly angry, wasting time and energy on this nasty game until the end result is that you not only don’t get what you want, but you’re now fighting too. So ask for what you want point blank and have a civilized conversation about how to go about getting it. Compromise will likely be a key factor in this conversation. Just saying.

Compromise. Look at that! It’s the next point on the list! Look, I know it sounds like a no brainer, but it’s worth the reminder: compromise. Remember: you’re two entirely different people with an entirely different set of skills, desires, needs, etc. Yes,  your core values are aligned (….right?…) but you cannot possibly want the exact same things at all times. So you have to negotiate space for each others differences. And so, you compromise.

And so too, a happy relationship ensues.

The end.

Or is it really the beginning?

Your friendly and newlyweds,
Lauren and Ted
xxx