“Peace is not something you wish for, it is something you make, something you are, something you do, and something you give away. ” ― Robert Fulghum

Last weekend I went to a self development workshop. We worked on a bunch of stuff (a very technical terms for “concepts”), and though this normally isn’t my favored learning environment (code for ,“I’d rather shoot myself.” I prefer silent reflection and writing to work out my issues, apparently), I decided to just go with it.

I admittedly get a little stand offish when I’m put in a group and asked for share about my life (it’s just like when I go to a dinner party and the hosts think it’s a good idea to separate couples so they can sit with people they don’t know, or play musical chairs throughout the night. I hate that. I came to the party with my people, most of whom I already don’t get to see a lot in the first place. Don’t treat me like an infant and make me “play nicely with others.” Sometimes, I just don’t wanna).

But I decided to suck it up, play nice, let go of my ideals and expectations, and fully participate. I was stuck there for 10 hours a day, after all, so why not make the best of it? Or else I could have just left. And I didn’t want to do that. Lauren Lobley is many things, but she is no quitter (especially if there is a pint of chocolate peanut butter ice cream that needs polishing off. Even if I have a stomach ache. Nope. Not a quitter.).

Miraculously, by immersing myself fully into the experience of the weekend, I came to some really insightful conclusions about myself, particularly when it came to self forgiveness (I need to forgive myself for always trying to be perfect and do the right thing, even when the “right” thing isn’t right for me). Incidentally, I also learned that I need to work on my road rage, which essentially showed me that somehow, every time I honk my horn at someone and raise my fists in disgust, I am trying to play God. Basically, because I’m such a responsible person with a strong set of moral codes and rules, I expect others to operate the same way. So when they don’t – and they pull out in front of me on the road and force me to slam on my breaks and almost die, I get angry. I get really angry. As God (because, remember, apparently, I’m God), I feel it’s my responsibility to teach them a lesson. Yeah. A lesson. I think I should get a God badge or something. And maybe a cape. A sparkly one. With unicorns on it. Stop it. You know you want one too.

Any-way…

Apart from my own learnings (I promise I’m working on them), one thing I was particularly struck by is how stuck we all seem to be in our stories.

At lululemon, someone once asked me, “What’s your story? How’s it working for you?”

Point being: if you don’t like your story, change it.

Seems simple enough. In theory. But in practice, that’s another “story.”

In one of my group shares, there was a woman we’ll call Margaret who spewed out blame, blame, blame. Her father had taken a fall and she “had” to go and take care of him because she “had” to take care of her family even though she knew her father didn’t want her to. And she had a great life before that. And she really wants it back! But she just “can’t.” She “can’t” put her father in a home (even though that’s what he explicitly asked her to do) because she “has” to take care of him. And she “has” to save him from her evil family who wants to take his money. And – oh gosh – her ex husband is such an asshole and her current husband is horrible and cheats on her and has such a strong hold on her that she simply “cannot” get out from under his grasp.

I couldn’t get a word in edge wise, though I did get a millisecond to ask her the question:

“Do you “have” to take care of your dad? Or are you actually “choosing” to take care of him? Because it sounds like he’d rather you not take care of him. It sounds like you’re doing it for you.”

She paused, agreed with me, but then launched into another story about what it’s like to bathe her father, and how much shame he must feel that his daughter has to see him in that state.

Alrighty then. Good chat.

The other member of my group had just lost his wife of 43 years and was angry at God for taking her. He liked his life just the way it was, thank you very much! He didn’t need it to be messed with! And he was mad at his wife for leaving him to feel the hurt. Screw you God! Screw you wife!

It’s all very tragic, of course. I’m not saying that it’s not. I can’t begin to imagine what either one of my group members must be feeling on any given day. And I really felt for them. But the one thing that kept flashing into my head was this one word:

Victim.

Look. Tragedies happen. Bad things happen. I know. I’ve lived through a lot of them. And sometimes, we don’t so much as experience tragedies as we just get off track, which can feel just as devastating. Our lives simply get off course. We think we’re going in one direction only to suddenly realize that we are going in the exact opposite direction. And then, we get angry. We blame our cheating husband, our lying partner, our scathing boss, our stupid, worthless degree – whatever we can find to blame.

But where does that blame get us? Who suffers from the blame? The other party? Life? Or us?

The answer, of course, is us! We suffer! We are the only ones who suffer from living in our stories and blaming our circumstances for where we are at. No matter how justified the hurt, no matter how justified the pain (because, I know, it’s almost always justified), in the end, we are the only ones who continue to suffer as long as we feel the pain. We relive it over and over again.

Gandhi once said that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Logically, we know that is a silly thing to do. And yet we do it all the time!

“This isn’t how it was supposed to be!” we grumble to ourselves.

Ok. Fine. But since when did the rule book say that it was life’s job to be fair to you and only you? Do you think your fellow humans who have never known anything but hatred and war are more deserving of their fate than you are? Do you think they somehow pissed God off enough to deserve that?

The truth is that none of us “deserve” to experience tragedy. Just like none of us “deserve” to be happy. Or sad. Or excited. Or wealthy. Or loving. Or anything.

But we can be all of those things if we want to be.

The fact is, we get to choose how we are going to be. Who we are going to be. How we are going to react in the face of the things happening around us. Our reactions are the only things we can control in any given situation, good, bad, or otherwise.

And that is the ultimate truth.

It doesn’t have to feel good. And it might even make you mad. But it’s the truth. And the sooner we can see that for what it is, the sooner we can free ourselves from the bonds of what our minds have told us about how we think things “should” be:

I should have kids right now.
I should be married.
I should be in a loving relationship.
My kids should love me the way I want them to.
I should have been able to buy a house right now.
I should never have had to pay those school loans.
I should have my own business right now but those bastards took it from me.
I should be smarter.
I should have more.
I should have known better.

I should, should, should.

We are shouldING all over ourselves and it’s only serving to keep us in the prison that we alone have put ourselves in. And the only person who holds the key to release us is…well…us! It’s not, “I will be happy when justice is served.” It’s not, “I will be happy when he learns the lesson he should have learned.” It’s not, “I will only be happy when karma catches up to so and so.”

In every one of those cases, you are placing your happiness on outside circumstances you have absolutely no control over! None! Zero! And in every one of those cases, you are saying that you are willing to defer your happiness to some unknown future time, which means you may never be happy. Yikes!

And so we come back to the ultimate truth: It is not our circumstances that trap us – it is our minds. It is the way in which we think about our circumstances that either imprison us or free us.

We’ve already established that most of us have certain ideas about how we think things “should” be. And so we trap ourselves when those things don’t look like we think they “should” look. But we can free ourselves simply by changing our perspective.

Did you ever stop to think that there are millions of people out there wishing for the very life that you have? The one that you wish were different? Now there’s a fresh perspective!

I was discussing this concept with some friends a few days ago, and one of them said, “Ok, I get it. But then does that mean we shouldn’t make plans? Have expectations? Have goals?”

Of course you should make plans! And you should set goals too! It’s both motivating and inspiring. It’s growth. It drives us forward. It’s part of the human experience. But where we seem to go astray is when we aren’t flexible when things don’t go as planned.

How often do things actually go as planned, anyway? Not often. And when they don’t go according to plan but have an immediate positive result, we rejoice! But when they don’t go as planned and they have an immediate negative result (even though they usually work out for the better in the long run), we get upset. “Life isn’t fair” comes creeping right back to trap us.

We hold onto our ideals even when they are the very things that are hurting us.

And so what can do we?

Be flexible. Make your plans. Map out your goals. But be ready to change or adapt them if they are entrapping you, if they are making you unhappy. Be ready to shift perspective. This is all about shifting perspective in your ultimate pursuit of happy.

“Sometimes we have to let go of the life we have planned so that we can live the life that is waiting for us .” – E.M. Foster

Actually. Always. We always have to do that.

You probably think this is a crazy concept. Heck, you’re probably even mad at me for saying it. But that’s just your fear talking. That’s just your ego going haywire. Trust me. Takes one to know one. I’ve been there before, and I will be there again! I’m not perfect. But at least I have a new found awareness of what my options are in the face of any given situation. It’s a good start.

The sooner you can understand that you are not in control of anything outside of yourself, and that you are only in control of what’s on the inside, the closer you will be to the life that is waiting for you. The closer you will be to personal freedom.

Doesn’t that sound divine?

So take a look at your life. Where are you having trouble? What are you upset about? What circumstances are you unhappy with?

Is there a different perspective you can choose instead?

There is always a new perspective to choose. Some perspectives will imprison you, and some will free you. Some will make you a victim of your life, and others will empower you to co create your life with the universe, to design it as the cards are dealt rather than hoping for the queen of diamonds. If you can make your life work with any cards in the deck, you will win the game every time. If you can only make your life work if certain cards are dealt, you may win some, but you’re going to lose a heck of a lot more.

So, in the face of what isn’t working in your life right now, which perspective do you want to choose?

Which perspective will you choose?

The choice – and the power – is all yours. So go on and win your game of life, no matter the cards in your hand.

Your crazy friend,
Lauren
xxx