Do you ever notice how you can be so perfectly in your stride one day, and the next moment, you completely unravel because you heard about or saw something or someone that triggered you? It could be a person or a thing, or even a sentence or a picture. Heck, it could even be the change of a season.

Well, that happened to me a few weeks ago. And I’m embarrassed to say that I’m still recovering.

I am Lauren. And this is my story.

(cue Law and Order signature music here).

By no coincidence, not one week after I was triggered was I asked to join a life coaching group where the goal is to figure out what our personal legacy is: to help us define it, to set goals in the direction of it, and to subsequently set out on the path toward it.

In an effort to get clear on what we want, the first exercise involves exploring the areas in our lives where we feel a loss of power, where we speak to ourselves with disdain (think negativity, doubt, fear, anger) rather than with love (think I can, I will, I believe in the possibility of.., etc.). In one particular exercise (one that is perfectly suited to my present situation), we were asked to identify our “body triggers,” or rather, where in our bodies we feel the physical manifestation of our loss of power (and conversely, our harnessing of it). Think butterflies in your tummy. Shoulders so tense they are just below your ears. Back so tight a masseuse can’t break up the knots. Losing your voice.

Our bodies are constantly speaking to us, so it’s important to explore when it feels happy, and when it feels triggered and sad. Every experience comes with its own set of emotions that trigger our bodies either positively (like flutters in your tummy) or negatively (like a sinking feeling in your gut).

This exercise was quite apropos to the experience I mentioned earlier.

I am sorry to say that I have a few people in particular who – by no fault of their own – trigger me in such a way as to cause me to completely fall apart; to question my path, to dredge up old wounds I thought were healed, to give my insecurities the fuel they need to grow into a raging fire that I can’t see past. Once I’m triggered, my emotional and body triggers inevitably follow suit: sweaty palms, inability to focus, inability to reason, short temper, tightness in my tummy, shoulders at my ears, knots in my back (aka not a fun person to be around).

Not something I’m proud of.

And certainly, not the example I want to be setting for my daughter.

But as I’m so often reminded on this journey, I am only human, and apparently, this comes with the territory.

Ugh.

It’s not about the people who trigger me themselves, of course. It’s about what they represent for me: past traumas. Broken hearts. Failed expectations (ones I probably shouldn’t have had anyway). Qualities they embody that I wish I could harness. And every time I unravel because of either an encounter in person, a photo, a video or a piece of information about that person, I give my power away.

I noticed this recently with a particular person who always seems to “make” me unravel (no one can “make” us do anything, hence the quotation marks). I won’t share their name for obvious reasons (and if you’re reading this, you’re not the person, in case you were wondering) – but mostly because it’s not about them at all. There is absolutely nothing they can do to help me with my trigger. I give my power away seemingly unwillingly (but of course we know that everything is a choice, so though it may feel that way, it’s not unwillingly at all). I hand it to them on a silver platter, and they are none the wiser (nor did they even ask for it or want it – or know that they even have it in the first place).

The silver lining of my unraveling (isn’t there always a silver lining?), is that every time I encounter this – or any trigger – I’m given the opportunity to peel back the layers, to see what’s really going on for me, and to see if I can heal that wound I mistakenly thought was already mended. I’ll admit – this particular trigger is a doozy for me. I’ve been working through it for a few years now, and I can’t seem to get a handle on it. The rational side of me can get there, but there is a part of me that simply cannot let go of the wrong that was done to me (or rather, that I allowed to be done to me), the wrong that this person represents but has absolutely nothing to do with (not directly, anyway).

They are just a representative, a gift from the universe to remind me that I still have some letting go to do.

Thanks.

I hate how much power it has over me. I hate that it unravels me so much that all of my insecurities scream at me, and the usual confident me becomes a version of myself that I don’t like in anyone, much less in myself. But it is within this ugliness that I can be set free. I know that. I just don’t like it very much!

Do you ever experience that kind of trigger? Do you ever find yourself unraveling because of someone or something, every time you encounter them/it? Have you figured out how to resolve it yet?

I think the best thing we can do is just be aware of it. Honor the feelings that come up. And try to work through them. It’s kind of like talking about an ex. We may sound like a broken record and talk over and over about what they did, how they made us feel, what we wish we would have said or done. But eventually, we talk ourselves out, and the very act of talking about it (or rather, over talking about it), helps our issues with the situation resolve on their own. Sometimes, simply by acknowledging the feelings and giving them space to be heard – no matter if it’s once or a thousand times – is the way to heal. And as time goes by, the more we practice allowing our feelings to be felt without judgement, the less time it will take for us to get over what’s ailing us.

So if you feel this way, and you feel all of the usual body triggers that come along with it, I implore you to feel it out. If you feel so inclined, pick a person who you feel comfortable venting to about the situation – someone who won’t judge – and vent until you’re blue in the face. Never feel guilty about how long you’ve got to go on about it, or how many times you’ve already brought it up. I know when I bring things up that I think I’ve brought up too many times – or that I feel makes me sound bad or silly – it has the effect of not allowing myself to fully express my feelings. Because rather than feel whatever it is that I’m feeling, I’m too busy trying to talk myself out of or downgrade my thoughts on account of trying to sound like less of a crazy person.

But that only serves to bring the feelings up again some other time. It’s like holding in a fart (yes, I said fart)! You may be able to squeeze that little rosebud in at the time, but it’s just going to try to come out again very soon, and probably not at a convenient moment either! You can kid yourself and keep squeezing it in, but its only trajectory is out. So until you let it rip, it’s just going to come back to haunt you!

(I’m speaking on behalf of all girls who have been holding in their farts since the dawn of time because…well….girls don’t fart! Obviously).

So faithful reader, hear this:

Whether it’s a fart or a feeling, it’s time to let it out. Holding it in won’t do. It’s counterproductive. It’s time to embrace the crazy. It’s time to acknowledge your triggers. They’re trying to tell you something. And until you realize that, you will remain a prisoner of whatever it is that they represent.

It’s time to start letting go.

Your crazy friend,

Lauren
xxx

Do you smell something?

Wasn’t me!